Athens-Hammers Forum Index Athens-Hammers
The one and only West-Ham United supoorters club in Greece
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

A birthday present
Goto page 1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Athens-Hammers Forum Index -> Jokes
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Ads






Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 12:51 am    Post subject: Ads

Back to top
ironhoc



Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 21
Location: Ελλάδα

PostPosted: Sat Aug 06, 2011 4:41 pm    Post subject: A birthday present Reply with quote

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real [CENSORED] tonight, Dave."
____-------------------------------------------------------------------------_____

Cheers!!!

_________________
SIX FOOT TWO EYES ARE BLUE BILLY BONDS IS AFTER YOU
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

quality mate Razz , here's some more:

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had [CENSORED] together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having [CENSORED] against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious [CENSORED] that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic [CENSORED] life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.

"Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom won't even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".

The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.

"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"


The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any fucking bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any fucking bread, ask me again and I'll nail your fucking beak to the bar you irritating [CENSORED] of a fucking bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

10 Catholic Priests die in a mini bus accident. At the Pearly Gates St Peter says, "if any of you are paedophiles go straight to Hell"

9 of them turn and slope off. St Peter shouts after them, "And take the deaf [CENSORED] with you"

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wouldnt it be ironic if a black Pope is elected? He'll be surrounded by men dressed in white robes with pointy hats and swinging crosses in front of him..

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I walked into my dads bedroom and under the bed I saw a suit- case half open. My curiosity got the better off me so I opened the case in it was a leather mask, a leather cape, crutchless leather shorts and a leather whip...... . . . . I couldn't fkin believe it....my dad. . . . . . .a super hero!!!

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.






You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinking?

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Mrs left a note on the fridge:-"It's no good, it's not working. I'm staying at my Mums for a while".
I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was freezing. [CENSORED] knows what she was on about.

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you x."

I replied........"I’m taking a dump (cockney slag for “shit”). What should I do?”

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no [CENSORED] Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse


THE MUSLIMS ARE NOT HAPPY!

They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ..
They're not happy in Afghanistan ..
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ..

SO, WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia .
They're happy in Canada .
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland .
They're happy in Denmark .

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN; They want to change those countries to be like....
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!

Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How damn dumb can you get?

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Guy hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years. Hitman says"It will take 1 shot just below her left tit" Husband syas "I want her dead not fucking kneecapped!"

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ye ever been fucked, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ye will be when the tide comes in."

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
AthensHammers
Site Admin


Joined: 02 Aug 2011
Posts: 427

PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 7:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Mrs left a note on the fridge:-"It's no good, it's not working. I'm staying at my Mums for a while".
I opened the fridge, the light came on and my beer was freezing. [CENSORED] knows what she was on about.

_________________
WE ARE THOSE [CENSORED] S IN CLARET & BLUE!!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Athens-Hammers Forum Index -> Jokes All times are GMT + 2 Hours
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum



Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group

Abuse - Report Abuse - TOS & Privacy.
Powered by forumup.gr free forum, create your free forum! Created by Hyarbor & Qooqoa - Auto ICRA

Page generation time: 3.718